


Everybody Wakes Scared of What They Don’t Know

by nothingwithoutyouxo



Category: The Goldfinch (2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Vegas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:55:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22288246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingwithoutyouxo/pseuds/nothingwithoutyouxo
Summary: Soulmates. That was how they’d put it. The idea of a line of light somewhere on your skin that only someone who truly loved you could see.As Boris shoved the now empty bag into his backpack, the sleeve on his sweater rode up just a little. Theo wasn’t looking, not really, but he noticed a line across the skin, bright and shining. “What’s that?” he asked.
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 5
Kudos: 177





	Everybody Wakes Scared of What They Don’t Know

**Author's Note:**

> First things first: I have not read the book because I simply cannot read, so this based solely off the movie, [this art](https://nirvanasoul785.tumblr.com/post/153483886052/by-%E5%8D%81%E5%88%86%E4%B9%8B%E4%B8%80), and an idea a friend gave me. The title is a line from Sunrise by Winterbourne, and I wrote this for my friend Hannah because they listened to me rant about these characters for months on end without complaint before we finally got to watch the movie together. Much love.

The rusty swings squeaked as the two boys slowly moved back and forth, straining the chains that were caked in orange dust. Boris wasn’t a fan of being out in the sun, but Theo had needed to get away for a while after school, and there weren’t a lot of places that Boris could take him. So they’d ended up here, chatting aimlessly about anything that came to mind; their classes, what movie they were going to watch later, Popchyk. 

He’d gotten them something again, and when Theo seemed to be a little chattier, a little more ok, Boris dragged his feet into the dust, steadying himself on the ground. He reached into his pocket for the bag that Kotku had snuck him under the table in their shared biology class. Theo was slowly coming to a stop next to him. 

“What is it this time?” he asked.

Boris shrugged. “Not important.”

Theo frowned at him, but didn’t ask again.

“Will get you high.”

He supposed that was what mattered. Boris wouldn’t ask him to take something if he didn’t know what it was. There was a level of security in that. Theo popped the pill Boris handed him into his mouth, letting it sit on his tongue until Boris had his as well before swallowing. 

As Boris shoved the now empty bag into his backpack, the sleeve on his sweater rode up just a little. Theo wasn’t looking, not really, but he noticed a line across the skin, bright and shining. “What’s that?” he asked. 

Boris sat up again. “What?” 

He reached out, grabbing hold of Boris’ wrist. The line was brighter up close, as if the Boris’ skin had absorbed the sunlight, and was shining it right back to him. “You’re glowing,” he said.

Looking down at his wrist, Boris saw nothing. The drugs weren’t supposed to kick in this early, but Theo did have less tolerance to them than he did. Maybe that explained it. He shrugged the comment off, counted how many seconds it took for Theo to realise what he was doing and let go of his wrist, and started talking about something else. 

***

It was something that stuck with him, floating at the back of Boris’ mind, regardless of whether or not he thought Theo had meant anything by it. They didn’t talk about it again, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it, about what it could mean. A few days later, when Boris overheard some of the kids at school talking about it, something clicked for him. It started to make sense in an odd way. 

Soulmates. That was how they’d put it. The idea of a line of light somewhere on your skin that only someone who truly loved you could see. It struck him immediately, consuming his thoughts. He even went so far as to ask Kotku about it, because she always knew more about stuff like this than he did. She laughed at him around her cigarette until she realised he was serious. 

“Yeah, it’s like light,” she shrugged. “Why you asking?”

Boris didn’t want to put it into words yet. He wanted it to live in his chest and his mind and stay there where no one could find it. “Heard something,” he said anyway. 

She raised an eyebrow, and he wondered if she could see right through him, but she didn’t push. He was grateful to her for that. 

***

He knew it wouldn’t be something he could find, but that didn’t stop him from looking. There was no mark, no _light_ that Boris could see. At least, not on himself. He brought it up with Theo again, when they were walking home from school, the sun baring uncomfortably down on them. 

Boris tilted his umbrella so the sun would reach his wrist, and pulled his sleeve up just a little. “You see something, Potter?” he asked, suddenly anxious, because what if it had just been the drugs? What would he do then, when he’d already started to adjust to the _idea_ of it?

Theo looked up at him, and then at his wrist. His fingers brushed the skin, barely touching it. “You’re glowing.”

He nodded, and quickly changed the subject before Theo could ask questions. 

***

Boris wished he had any idea of what he was looking for. Just something, _anything_ , on Theo that could mean they were the same. He looked at Theo differently, more frequently, more insistent than he had before. So much so, that Boris was worried Theo would start to _notice_. Even if he never had before. He wondered if it ever crossed Theo’s mind, if he ever wondered about the light. If he’d ever looked up what it could mean. 

The more time that passed and the more he couldn’t seem to find anything, the more anxious Boris got about the situation. He started worrying over what would happen if this wasn’t his truth. Maybe his soulmate wasn’t Theo, if he had one. How much did it matter if Boris _wanted_ it to be him? Was that something that counted? If he was allowed to make a choice, could he pick Theo? 

The school bus rattled around them, filled with the loud chatter of their classmates. The two of them weren’t talking, both lost in thoughts. Theo was gazing out the window, hand pressed against it, warm from the sun. Boris hadn’t meant to look but it was subconscious now, and that’s when he noticed it - a thin strip of light wrapped around the ring finger of Theo’s left hand. 

Boris’ heart stuttered in his chest. _Was that? Did that mean …?_ Before he could even register what he was doing, he was reaching for Theo’s hand, tugging it off the window and towards him. Yes, it was definitely there. He could see it. He could _see it_

“Boris, what the fuck are you doing?”

His mind snapped back to the present, back to Theo’s eyes that were scanning him, not angry but a little scared in the way he always was whenever Boris was too close to him. In the way that he meant he was worried, because there were so many eyes that could look their way at the wrong moment, and then where would they be? Boris realised that he had nothing to justify this with. There was no way he could explain this to Theo, not now, and especially not here. He quickly dropped Theo’s hand, mind spinning in every direction. 

Boris needed to think fast, needed something that would make this seem normal again. He moved on instinct, punching Theo in the shoulder and watched as Theo rolled his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips before he hit Boris back. 

***

_What happened if Theo found out?_

It was a question that was starting to plague him. Boris worried over what Theo would say or what he’d do. More than that, he worried that Theo would try to leave. He’d almost lost Theo once already, on the night that his dad had died, and it took everything Boris had to convince him to stay. He couldn’t go through that again.

He also couldn’t keep it from him. Boris might have kept a lot of secrets, but never from Theo. Never like this. There was no way he could keep something like his locked up inside of him, but he had no idea how to talk about it. Boris wasn’t sure how to bring it up, or what to say when he did, or what to prepare for when Theo caught on. His mind was telling him to do it when it was dark, when the whole world had fallen away and it was just the two of them, but then he wouldn’t have proof. He needed the sunlight, something he’d never expected. 

The next option he thought of was to get Theo drunk. He was a blackout drunk so if it went badly maybe he wouldn’t remember it, maybe things would still be normal between them, but that didn’t feel fair. That wasn’t what Boris wanted. This wasn’t something that Boris wanted to feel _ashamed_ of, something that he needed to test the waters of before going all in. He wanted to be truthful, entirely. 

Boris was staring at Theo’s hand again. Now that he’d seen the mark he couldn’t look away. He had no idea how he hadn’t seen it before when it was so obvious, but maybe he’d been looking in the wrong places. The sun was starting to set around them. They weren’t drinking this time, no drugs. Boris had nothing to deflect blame onto. He had to do this now. 

“Been thinking,” he started, and wondered if his voice sounded different to Theo as well. 

Theo looked up at him from petting Popchyk, who was resting easily in his lap. 

He didn’t know how to be anything but blunt. Maybe that would make the words hit harder. “Maybe am your soulmate, Potter.”

His hands stopped, Popchyk whined up at him, tail wagging insistently. “My what?” 

Boris swallowed, hard. He still hadn’t figured out how to talk about this, and Theo was already tensing up. “Is American word, yes?” 

“Soulmate?” his tone was almost amused, but his eyes were worried, cautious in that way he always seemed to be. “Sure, it’s American.”

He tugged at his sweater, and Theo followed the movement. “You can see it?” he asked.

Theo looked between Boris’ wrist and his face a few times, trying to digest all of this. He nodded. Popchyk gave up and with a bark ran back inside the house. “You’re glowing.”

Boris reached for his hand, and was surprised when Theo let him take it. He pointed to Theo’s fingers, in particular his ring finger. “What you see. I see here.”

“There’s nothing there.”

He shook his head. Boris knew he couldn’t talk about _feelings_ , knew how much Theo hated it, especially sober. He could feel his heart thudding uncomfortably in his chest, too much weighing on this moment. “I don’t see -” he tapped his own wrist, “But you do, Potter.” 

It was the best he could do right now. It was all he had. 

Theo understood what he meant, he could tell. “Soulmates,” he muttered, weighing the word in the air between them. Then the panic settled in. Boris knew to expect it, and he pulled away quickly. 

“I’m not -” but Theo couldn’t finish his sentence. He _was_ , and they both knew it. The proof was staring him right in the face. 

“Think about it,” Boris said, and looked away. 

***

Theo didn’t want to bring up the fact that he _did_ think about it. Constantly. Boris hadn’t mentioned it again, leaving it solely in his hands, and Theo didn’t know if that made him feel better or worse about the situation. He spent too much time looking at Boris, he always had, but now he focused on his wrist, on the line of light that he could see only when the sun was out. 

He asked Xandra what she knew about soulmates after he overheard one of her friends talking about it, and worried that she could see right through him. He worried that she knew _why_ he was asking, but she didn’t question him, and he had no idea how to express how much that meant. It wasn’t something he was ready to open up about yet. He’d barely come to terms with the idea of it. 

Even when he’d almost settled into it, Theo had no idea how to talk about it with Boris. He didn’t have the words to do it justice. 

_Soulmates_ , he thought. _It fits_. 

It was late. They were hanging out in Boris’ bedroom watching an old movie, shoulders pressed together on the bed. As time passed around them, Theo was starting to realise that he might explode if he didn’t do _something_. Then Boris started talking. It was something aimless about the movie, something that Theo would usually pay an incredible amount of attention to, but not right now. His eyes lingered on the boy next to him; on the way his hands moved, the way his eyes lit up. On his lips. 

Something struck him, pulling him into a moment that he hadn’t even thought about, not really. Hadn’t allowed himself to think about. Boris was still talking, but Theo grabbed his face with more confidence than he’d had in life and kissed him, effectively cutting him off. 

It was chaste, and Boris kissed him back faster than Theo had expected him too, far more sure of himself. Theo pulled away first, and just looked at him, his hand sliding down to Boris’ shoulder, to his chest, down his arm. 

Boris didn’t say anything, but he was looking at Theo in a way that he hadn’t before. In a way that Theo hadn’t realised he’d wanted. He could feel the panic start to creep up on him, and Theo was torn between letting himself feel it and pushing it down again like he did with everything else. Like he had done with the way he felt about Boris. 

“I’ve thought about it,” Theo broke the silence between them, and hoped that it was enough to convey everything that he couldn’t say.

The little spark in Boris’ eyes told him that it was. 

His hand clasped around Boris’ wrist, pulling his sweater up absently. 

“Can’t see it. Is too dark,” Boris muttered, his voice rougher than usual. “Need the sun.”

Theo wished that he didn’t, wished that he could see it because he needed the validation that he was right. Even if he could feel it in his chest, it wasn’t not enough. His breathing was starting to shake now. 

An arm fell around him and he didn’t realise at first what Boris was doing. He was trying to calm him down, like he always did when Theo couldn’t breathe. Like he did when Theo startled awake from a nightmare, even after all this time.

“Is only me, Potter,” he said.

He was right, of course. It was only him. It was always only Boris. 

_Soulmates_ , Theo thought again. He looked up at Boris, who offered him a small smile in return. Theo couldn’t stop himself from kissing him again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Life, eh? You can find me over at [stranger-awakening](http://www.stranger-awakening.tumblr.com) on Tumblr if you like.  
> Comments, kudos, etc, are appreciated :)


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